Mental self portrait circa 2004
I posted this on my DeviantArt page and people seemed to love it so I figured I’d explain a little about it because people that I have told the explanation to seem to find it interesting.
In simple terms it is a drawing of my mental state in college. The portrait is me as of 2004, I had dreadlocks. The bible and the collection of art tools that I am holding in my hands represent my search for answers at the time. My future felt very uncertain as far as how I was going to support myself after college and largely because of that I was really sad throughout most of my college years I wondered if I needed to draw my way out of that state of if I could pray my way out of it.
The huge monster you see over me represents my demons, procrastination, uncertainty, depression, lust…college stuff. All those aspects of my life are eating my artistic creativity (the little hand rising up out of my head.
To the left of my face you will see my mental machinery at work and that lead to all the different “worlds” inside my mind. The background is a collection of these worlds fantastic lands filled with monsters, and space adventures. The rightmost portion of the image is the part that I’m unsure of, its about the women in my life and the ultimate destination of my artwork.
I think this is a particularly accurate portrait not because the face looks like me (though it does) but because it really shows who I was at the time. My fears and worries about the direction of my life were so vivid and everything beyond the now was so uncertain and difficult for me to imagine. Not that much has changed over the years as far as the uncertainty that I feel about much of my life but I think I have learned to deal with it in a more constructive way and accept that I don’t have all the answers.